Live, Love, Lose
by Time Lady Evangeline
Summary: Live, Love, Lose. That's basically the Doctor's life, isn't it? When he shows a weakness that seems all-too-human, how will Clara react? How far will she go to save him? (Sick/Dying Doctor Fic) [Only rated Kplus because I don't know how sick I'm going to make him.]
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hey you guys! I know it's been forever since I've posted, but I hope this story will make up for it. It's going to be another fic with a sick Doctor, cause I love those. I haven't been able to warm up to Clara yet, so I'm hoping this story will help me do that. I'm planning on it being a multi-chapter fic, and since it's summer I will do my best to update daily. I hope you enjoy it!**

** Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Doctor Who.**

"You promised me, please, you can't do this to me... Please!"

"Come along-uh, come on, Clara." The Doctor said, about to swing open the TARDIS door.

"You've got to stop doing that, ya' know." She responded, annoyed.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about that tone of voice you get, when you realize that I'm not the person you'd

rather be talking to."

"Oh, come on, do we have to have this conversation _now? _Just outside this door is some new,

unexplored world that could hold any number of possibilities, and you're worried about the way I call

you to follow me?" The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"So it's true then... There is someone. Someone you'd rather have here in my place." She didn't

make any notion that she was about to make any movement towards the door. The Doctor sighed,

walking over to her.

"I never said tha-"

"But it's the truth and you know it." Clara shoved him away. "Why am I even here? Am I some

consolation prize to you?!"

"Where is this coming from?!"

"Answer my question or I'll never speak to you again! I want the truth, Doctor. Please, I have to

know."

Her voice became small and weak as she finished. Staring at a fixed point on the floor, it took

everything in her to keep her eyes from filling up with tears. The Doctor knew that he had to say

something, but if only he knew what that was exactly. He settled for what felt right. Very slowly, he

stepped in front of her, taking her hands. She looked up to meet his eyes halfway, and her breath caught

in her chest. Those hazel eyes stared into her soul, and she longed-no, _needed-_to know what it was that

she saw behind them. What could possibly cause the amount of pain below the surface of his existence?

Who was she to him? Did she matter? He began to speak in a calm, low voice.

"Clara... Clara Oswin Oswald. Believe me when I say that I need you here with me, and that I

would never, ever trade you to be with someone else, no matter who they were or what they'd done for

me. The truth is, I'm scared that you will leave me too. I try so hard to hold on to my present, that it

takes me a while to realize that it's not the present anymore, and everyone moves on. Everyone but me,

I guess." She was speechless. His hands were shaking as he tried to keep himself together. It wasn't fair,

he realized. I wasn't fair that he had to keep all of this pain on himself, while others got to keep going,

have a normal life, and eventually die. Death seemed so wonderful sometimes, an escape. But he was

trapped, trapped in life, a constant cycle of live, love, lose.

And suddenly, it wasn't about Clara anymore, and she knew it. But, it was okay. In a natural

movement, she got down on her knees as his buckled underneath him. She steadied him onto the

TARDIS floor, and wrapped her arms around him. They didn't need words. As the Doctor fell into his

thoughts, he realized he couldn't hold onto his past anymore, yet he couldn't run from it. He couldn't

keep pretending like he was happy, but he couldn't always be sad. Clara rubbed circles on his back.

What they shared went beyond friendship. They had a bond that could not be compared to. Finally, she

broke the silence.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Clara?"

"I don't care if there is someone else. All I care about is that you're with me now. That alone is

more then I deserve."

"You are incredible Clara. If you never learn anything else from me, if in all the time you spend

traveling, you only get that one thing, just know they are the truest words I have ever spoken." She let

that sink in and she closed her eyes, pulling him tighter into a hug.

"You should say that to yourself a little more often, Doctor."

That was when he broke. He reached his arms forward and pulled Clara close to him., so close

he could feel her breath on his chest. She closed her eyes and listened to his heartbeat. _Dun-Dun-Dun-_

_Dun._

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Clara?"

"Promise me that you'll stay with me forever." Clara didn't understand how much that question

meant to the Doctor. How could he make a vow like that? He didn't know where the future would take

them. He'd left all the rest of his companions, how did he know that he wouldn't come to his senses and

just leave her at home one day? Or, even worse, what if she didn't make it that far?

No. It was time that he told the universe how things were gonna go.

"I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I hope you are enjoying the story so far!**

**Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Doctor Who. All rights go to BBC.**

Neither of them fully understood the importance of the moment, but they appreciated it. Finally,

the Doctor stood, and made his way back to the TARDIS doors. "Now how about that adventure?" That

wide, toothy grin spread across his face as he held out his hand for her to take.

Outside they found a planet that could only have been dreamt of, at least for Clara. They headed

to a nearby marketplace, where they spent a few hours browsing. The Doctor bought Clara a bracelet,

and she, in turn, bought the same one for him. The store owner put an enchantment on the bracelets so

that whenever one of them needed the other, it would glow and they would feel their heartbeat through

the bracelet, and they would know they were there. The other person's bracelet would react the same

way, so they knew they were needed. It was by far the best purchase they'd ever made.

They were nearly halfway through the entire marketplace when the Doctor grabbed Clara's

sleeve. "Ya? Something wrong? Oh, wait, let me guess... is that guy some dark overlord trying to take

over the planet?" She pointed to a skinny man who seemed almost human.

The Doctor was slow to react, but it didn't occur to Clara that something was amiss. He blinked

a couple of times before answering. "What? No, of course not. I was just thinking that, you know,

we've been here long enough, maybe it's time we leave. Besides, I do believe you've been up for

seventeen hours now."

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right. Hard to keep up with the time when I'm with you." It was

definitely odd that he was actually suggesting to leave, usually she was the one to do that, and she

knew it. Still, it didn't occur to her that anything might be wrong.

They got back to the TARDIS and the Doctor turned towards Clara. "So, should I take you

home?"

"Actually, can I just sleep here? I'm not quite ready to go a week without you yet." She smirked,

tapping his hand, gripped tightly on the controls.

"Of course, go ahead down the hall there. I'll have the TARDIS bring up a room for you."

"Thanks." Within fifteen seconds, Clara found herself standing in front of a deep purple door

with a shiny golden doorknob. Uncertain, she looked over at The Doctor, who just gestured for her to

go inside. Entering the room, she gasped in awe. It was so... her. Still, she was too tired to examine it

thoroughly, so she just crawled under the blankets and fell asleep.

A few hours later, she woke. It took a while to understand why, until she saw her hand, which

was lying on her pillow beside her head. The delicately carved beads were glowing with a soft golden

color, and she could ever so slightly feel the ever so familiar heartbeat of the Doctor. _Dun-Dun-Dun-_

_Dun._

Rubbing her eyes so she was slightly more awake, she gazed at the jewelry on her wrist. It was

so beautiful, so peaceful. But... she didn't need to be with the Doctor right then. It dawned on her.

She almost tripped as she jumped out of bed quickly, stumbling down the hallway. The rooms

had shifted around, and in her half-asleep state, it was impossible to tell where she was. Finally, in such

a panic she began to call out for him. He needed her, and even though she didn't know why, she had to

be there for him. In all of her life, she had never felt so strongly about him before. She needed to

protect him. She needed to save him.

"Doctor? Doctor?!" She was nearly wide awake now, running frantically through the winding

hallways, her bare feet hitting the floor as the only sound she could hear. "Doctor!?"

Suddenly, she felt hands on her wrists as they were held up and a figure in front of her stopped

her from running. "Clara?! What's wrong?!Are you alright!?" Blinking the tears out of her eyes, Clara

focused in on the Doctor. Her own breathing was fast and heavy from running.

"Are you...are you okay?" She asked him cautiously.

"What are you talking about? Did you have a nightmare?" His voice was filled with concern...

or was it something else?

"The bracelet-I thought..." She reached up a hand and brushed it against his cheek. And that's

when it all clicked.

**Author's Note: Please Review! I am loving this story so far, but tell me what you think about it! Any ideas for what should happen? I'm open to anyone's ideas!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Nice to see the familiar accounts from my story Virus reading and reviewing! It feels great to be writing again, and I love your input! Also, I understand that in the last chapter it may have been unclear, but Clara was running through a hallway when the Doctor stepped out of the library and stopped her.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. All rights go to BBC.**

The deep red flush that covered his cheekbones while the rest of his face was ghostly pale, the

sweat that coated his forehead, the bags under his eyes, the glazed, fuzzy look in his eyes and the way

he held himself. Just by brushing against his face she could feel the difference in comparison to his

usual cool skin. "Clara?" He snapped her out of her observations.

"Are you feeling alright, Doctor?"

"Of course, Clara. I was just sitting by the fire in the library, reading a book when I heard you

running this way. Tell me, what's wrong?" She was uncertain of herself.

"My bracelet... It was glowing and beating. You need me. I came running, but I got lost..."

"I always need you." He said playfully, giving her a half-hearted chuckle.

"You don't look well."

"I'm _fine_ Clara. You should get back to sleep." He tried to usher her back the way she'd came,

turning her away from him.

"I tried to be nice about this Doctor, I did. But you look awful! I don't even think a blind person

could miss that!" She didn't get a response. Turning around, she saw him sliding down the wall, his

breathing uneven and shallow.

"Doctor!" She yelped in surprise, rushing to help him stand.

"I'm alright Clara, I'm alright." He tried to push her away, but the attempt was so weak it only

worried her more. Sighing, she took his arm and threw it over her shoulder.

"Have you got a room somewhere in this place?" His lack of an answer scared her. Groaning,

she pulled him into the library where he had just come from. Near the fireplace, she saw a velvet couch

long enough for him to lie on. Beside it was a stack of books and a pair of round reading glasses.

"Come on then, lie down."

"I'm fine Clara!" He winced at the pain in his head, and despite his protests he did lie down.

"Yeah, of course. You were doing just awesome out there when you nearly collapsed."

"Don't worry about it. Just go back to sleep."

"I'm not leaving you in a state like this. I may not know much about Time Lords, but I'll do

anything I can to help."

"I don't need your help! I'm perfectly fine!" He glared at her with the defiance of a young

teenage boy to his mother. So, she did what any reasonable mother would have done. She slapped him.

"What was that for?!"

"For being stubborn and stupid. Now, let me help you." He stayed quiet this time, just closing

his eyes and focusing on breathing. "What's wrong, Doctor?" She asked softly.

"My-My chest... But I'm okay, it's probably something small and ridiculous. It'll pass. Just, don't

worry, okay?"

"I have to worry. That's what best friends are for." She smiled at him, kneeling beside his head.

He reached out and cupped her cheek with his hand. She lovingly put her own on top of it.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbled.

"Don't be stupid. Just go to sleep." It took mere seconds for him to do so, and she threw a blanket over him, which had suspiciously appeared next to

her on the floor. Clara realized she had absolutely no idea on how to handle this. He had complained about his chest... that couldn't be good, no

matter what he said. She was way out of her league on this one, and she knew it.

She sat back onto the carpet floor, burying her face in her hands. She _was_ tired. Maybe he was

right. Maybe it will just pass. If she was lucky, perhaps she'd wake up in the morning and he'd already

be making plans for the day's trip. Her eyes drooped and she fell asleep on the rug beside him, the fire

crackling and providing a soft warmth for the both of them.

**Author's Note: Sorry if the chapter's a bit short, but I really want to end it there. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Hey everybody! I am having so much fun writing this story! I hope you all like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. All right go to BBC.**

A couple hours later, she awoke again to the sound of frantic footsteps and a loud _thud._

"Doctor?" She stood and looked around the room, rubbing the blurriness out of her eyes. The Doctor

lay in a heap on the ground near the door, gasping for breath. Clara rushed to him, carefully readjusting

him and having him sit up so he could breathe. "Tell me what's wrong." She whispered.

"They're coming." He croaked. "Hurry, there's not much time." He rolled out of her arms and

pushed himself up onto his knees, wheezing. Before he could go any further, she put her hands on his

shoulders.

"Doctor, we are the only ones here. Nothing can get into the TARDIS, you've said so yourself.

You're fine. I'm fine. Just breathe." He took in a shaky breath that was more like a wheeze, and it hurt

Clara just to hear it. Very slowly, she took his hand and helped him up, then put the hand on her

shoulder. "Lean on me." She whispered, and he did.

As soon as he was back on the library couch, Clara went out to find cold water and a rag. She

remembered something the Doctor said, about the TARDIS being alive. "Um, hello there. Can-" She

felt ridiculous. "Can you help me find a rag and some cool water for the Doctor? Please?" She tripped

over something in the middle of the hall. "Ouch!" Looking back, she saw that it had been a small basin,

full of water with a few rags hanging over the side. "Huh. Thanks." She carried it back to the Doctor's

side, where he had fallen back into a fitful sleep.

She carefully dabbed at his hot forehead, and he shifted. Finally, she resorted to just leaving the

towel there, after he had subconsciously pushed her away several times.

She fell back to sleep on the floor again, but this time she had very little peace of mind.

Whatever this was, it wasn't going to go away too soon.

The next time she woke, it was clear they had made it through the night. It took a moment for

her to realize that the Doctor's blanket was gently draped over her, and she was on the couch. After

scanning the room, she saw him asleep in a chair not too far away, shivering and drawing in short,

wheezy breaths. "Idiot." She mumbled, making her way over to him. She gently held her hand against

his forehead. He was on _fire._ If his temperature was supposed to be lower than the average human, then

they were in trouble.

She didn't wake him just yet. Instead, she went out into the hallway and wandered around a bit

to find the kitchen, making note of every turn she took. "He doesn't use this much, does he?" She

hoped that she would find _something_ in the fridge that wasn't expired, but seeing all the dust throughout

the room, her hopes weren't too high.

It was a shock to her when she found perfectly fresh food. "Alrighty then... sick people. What

do sick people eat? Soup? I can do that." Digging through the apparently never-ending fridge, she

found everything she needed and set to work on a batch of chicken-noodle soup.

When it was finished, she got out a spoon and some crackers for him. _Maybe I should taste it _

_before I take it to him... _She got out a second spoon and scooped up a small bit, blowing on it. She

sipped it, and nearly choked. "Well then... That's awful." As if on cue, she turned around to see a can of

chicken noodle soup on the counter. "Alright, alright, I get it." After a few minutes it was prepared, and

she carried it in to the Doctor.

As much as she hated to wake him, she knew she had to. She shook his shoulder gently.

"Doctor, come on now, get up. Got some soup for you." He opened his eyes and looked at the food.

"It's alright Clara, you didn't have to. I'm alright."

"You are not. Eat. Now."

"I'm not-I'm not hungry." She sighed.

"At least eat the crackers, will you? You've got to eat something." She held them out to him.

Slowly, his hands stretched out to get them. They shook terribly.

For a while, Clara watched him, trying to determine what he was feeling. There was something

in his eyes that she couldn't quite place. Sadness? No. Embarrassment? No. Wait- ahh yes.

Disappointment. The Doctor was disappointed in himself.

It was true. As the Doctor sat there, trying to get himself to eat the crackers, he was so

disappointed and uncertain of himself. If he couldn't care for himself, how could he possibly even think

of caring for Clara?

"Doctor..." Clara reached a hand out and put it on his leg. "It's alright, ya' know. To be the one

that needs help sometimes, there's nothing wrong with that."

**Author's Note: Please Review! Also, I am planning on bringing River into this very soon! Have a good day :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! It's been a while since my last update, things have been busy. Sorry! Anyway, let's welcome River into this story, because I love her so much! YOWZAH! **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF DOCTOR WHO. ALL RIGHTS GO TO BBC.**

Things only got worse. The Doctor's health was degenerating so rapidly that he slipped in and

out of consciousness. Clara felt helpless, being able to do nothing but watch him losing the fight. An

entire week passed.

Clara sat in front of the TARDIS phone, staring at it. Who could she call for help? Even if she

did know of someone, how could she know the number? So, she clenched her eyes shut and reached

out to the TARDIS. Tears welling in her eyes, she felt the lump in her throat growing as she spoke.

"Please. Help me." The phone fell off the hook, and Clara heard the tone of a phone ringing on the

other end. She picked it up and held it to her ear, hopefully.

"Hello?" A woman's voice answered.

"Hello, um, who is this?" Clara asked, certain of how stupid she must sound.

"You called me, are you okay? This is Professor River Song. Who are you?"

"Of course, Professor Song! This is Clara Oswald, I'm... a friend of the Doctor. Please, I need

help. He needs help. Please-" Tears were choking her now, and she had to speak through sobs.

Quickly realizing the gravity of the situation, River spoke. "Clara, calm down. I need you to

calm down." She heard Clara taking deep breaths. "Good. Now tell me exactly where you are and what

is happening."

"I'm-I'm in the TARDIS console room, the Doctor's in the library. He's so sick..." tears again

filled her eyes, so much so that she couldn't see. "God, I think he's dying River. Please, please help

him. I don't know what to do!" She began to sob again, but River hushed her.

"Okay, Clara. Is the Doctor well enough to operate the TARDIS?"

"No, I doubt he's even conscious. Even if he was, he hasn't been able to walk, let alone fly this

thing."

"Well then that leaves a very complicated job for you. You up to it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I need you to fly it. I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do, just make sure you do

exactly what I tell you. I can't help you unless the TARDIS gets here."

"Right. Okay, what do I do?" River led her step-by-step on what she needed to do, all the way

down to flipping the stabilizers. When the TARDIS had finally landed, Clara had to give the Doctor

credit for making it look so easy. Then, there was a knock at the door. She rushed to open it and River

pushed her way in.

"Take me to him." She was in no mood to stand around waiting. As they made their way into

the hallway, River spoke again. "Give me his symptoms. Quickly."

'Um, when it started-"

"When was that?"

"A little over a week ago. I felt he had a fever. He gets dizzy, has headaches, and has been

gradually weaker. He complains about his chest often. It's hard for him to breathe. Sometimes-

sometimes..." She felt that ever familiar lump in her throat as her voice cracked.

"What is it?"

"Sometimes, he can't breathe. Always for a short time, less then ten seconds, but it gets longer

each time. And it scares me. He cries out for help, and I can't, I can't do anything. And I hate it because

he needs help and I'm useless." She let her tears go, but quickly wiped them away. River put a hand on

her shoulder, her own tears threatening to spill.

"I'll help him. I promise, Clara."

"Thank you." She whispered. They'd reached the library now. River took a deep breath and

pushed the door open. Lying on the couch under his blanket, still shivering slightly while sweat beaded

on his forehead. His face was the color of wet paper, white but tinged with gray. River stifled a gasp

before rushing to his side and kneeling beside his head. She lovingly stroked his sweat-soaked hair out

of his face, feeling how high his fever really was. He stirred at her cool touch, his eyes opening just

enough to make out who she was, his eyes shining with recognition.

Drawing in half a painful breath, he choked out something that sounded like "Iva", the

clenching his eyes shut in pain as he tried to will his lungs to take in more air. When he finally opened

his eyes again, River pecked him on the cheek.

"Hello Sweetie." She whispered, forcing herself to smile for him. "What have you gotten

yourself into this time?" He smiled weakly at her and she moved her hand down to his burning cheek.

"I'm going to help you, I promise. Now, I've got to go to the med bay computers, but I'll be back as

soon as I can. Clara will stay with you until I get back." She stood and turned to go, but as she stepped

away, the Doctor grabbed her wrist, desperate to be with her. "I've got to go if you're going to get any

help." She took his hand in hers. "You're going to be okay, I promise." With that, she left the room. And

the Doctor, he was so very afraid that he wouldn't be around long enough to see her come back.

**Hope you enjoyed it! Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! Sorry about making you wait so long for the update! I got into Merlin and Supernatural and just completely forgot about this! So, I'm picking up where I left off. Enjoy!**

River made her way to the TARDIS med bay, utterly terrified. Finding herself in front of the

computer, she typed in all of the Doctor's known symptoms: Fever; Chills; Hallucinations; Dizziness;

Fatigue; Headaches; Shortness of breath; Difficulty breathing. She added his species, age, and gender,

then let the computer do its work. Though it took only a few minutes, it seemed like hours to River. She

needed to know what was wrong with her husband and she needed to know _now._ Pacing the floor, she

finally heard the "ding" of the computer. Her heart dropped to the floor when it read: NO PROBABLE

MATCHES.

She let out a soft cry of frustration, tightening her hands into fist. She had seen the Doctor. She

knew there wasn't much time. It all just seemed to simple, he couldn't actually go like this, could he?

He would regenerate, right? Still, as she thought about it longer, she decided to go back to the library

and see if she could get information there. Plus, she'd get to be near him, and that in itself was enough

to get her walking that way. Once again, River found herself in front of the door, trying to muster the

willpower to open it. She knew he'd still be lying there, so weak, so defenseless. Yet, that same thought

is what made her turn the knob and make her way across the room once more. Clara was still there,

dabbing at his forehead with a cloth. She looked up hopefully at River, who just shook her head.

Coming closer, River saw that the Doctor was awake, and slightly more coherent. "River..." He

whispered hoarsely.

"I'm here, Sweetie. I'm here."

"There's nothing you can do for me, River." The woman pursed her lips and shook her head,

eyes brimming with tears.

"There's always something. There has to be."

"Not this time, River. I know what's wrong with me, it was bound to happen eventually. I knew,

since the very first day, I knew." He reached out his hand, which River gripped tightly. He stroked it

with his thumb. Tears streamed down Clara's cheeks as she watched in silence. "I love you." His voice

cracked softly.

"You'll regenerate. You'll live, you'll be fine." The hope she had faded with every word she

spoke, as the Doctor's expression revealed the truth. "No. No, you can't-you can't _die._ I won't let you."

"River..."

"Shut up." Her voice was low and pained, her lips shaking as she fought off her tears. He did as

she said, his hearts breaking into a billion pieces as he watched her try to keep from falling apart.

"What is it, Doctor? Why are you so sick?" Clara asked, voice hoarse from crying. The Doctor

smiled despite his pain.

"When I took the TARDIS so long ago, I knew what the cost would be. No man, or Time Lord,

could be strong enough to handle the time energy for more than a thousand years. It seemed like such a

long time, like I'd never have to worry about it. Well, I guess it shows you how old I really am... My

body isn't strong enough anymore. It's giving up. My life had a time limit and it's finally been reached.

I just thought... that when the time actually came, I'd be ready. That I'd be alone, I'd never dreamed of

having anyone else with me except my granddaughter. I figured that once she was back on the right t

track, I'd stop traveling, go vacation somewhere and live out the thousand years in peace, ready to die

when the time came. That was before I'd begun to interfere, before I knew that I could save people. I'm

so sorry. I'm so sorry..."

River broke. She clasped her hand over her mouth to stifle her sob and ran out of the room.

Clara approached the Doctor again, mouth open slightly in her shock as tears welled thickly in her

eyes. He smiled at her. "You know, I thought you were going to be my last mission, Clara. The last

thing I ever fought to discover. And I was okay with that. I never thought about how it would affect

you. I didn't think about you at all. And for that I am so, so sorry. I can never do anything to make it

okay. I was just so curious, I'd never encountered anything like you. You intrigued me more than I ever

had been. Guess that'll be it then, 'my life's final cliffhanger.' I really am sorry for what I've done to

you, Clara. I should have let things be, and not interfere for once in my life."

"Shut up, will you? You're not going to die." Her hands clenched into fists.

"Clara-"

"No. Now just, stay here. I'm going to check on Professor Song."

**Author's Note: Do you guys like it? Please review and let me know what you think! As I've said before with my other stories, constructive criticism is ALWAYS welcome. I strive to be a better writer, and I could use your help! I'm also taking any requests for other stories, from any fandom I have listed in my bio, maybe even a few others that I don't. I WANT TO WRITE SONGFICS BUT I DON'T HAVE AN INSPIRATION YET. So help me out! Anyways, if you like Merlin you should check out the stories on my page! If you read all the way to here, congratulations! You're awesome.**


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